Broken: A Violent Valentine
by skysedge
Summary: How Valentine's Night turned into a chaotic mess of misunderstandings, betrayal and bloodshed. Three parts only. Rated for moderate violence and language. Oh and shonen-ai. No sex so not yaoi. Contains too much angst
1. What I cannot create, I recognise

**Long first chappy eh? Thank god there'll only be three of them. Anyway...this first part moves quite slowly but...the next chapter wull be really violent. I dont see enough Hakkai-gone-crazy fics so here is one. I like to think it'll be sad and sweet but it will most likely end up gory and nonsensical. This first bit is angsty.Enjoy**

**Saiyuki and all characters belong to Kazuya Minekura, the genius. Chapter title from Cities of Night by Blaqk Audio, Both songs inspired me**

**(Oh and I know this is late for Valentines day..but hey. **

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Broken - a Violent Valentine

One: What I cannot create, I recognise 

Gojyo ran through the cold streets in a blind anger, his thoughts louder than the cries of people he barged into.

He couldn't remove the image of their smiling faces and their clasped hands from his mind, couldn't stop seeing the way their eyes never left the others. Over the top of this image he saw something else; eyes as deep as a forest and green as an emerald. They blinded him almost as much as the anger

* * *

Hakkai was the only one in the small building they had hired for a few nights. Sanzo and Goku were off actually buying supplies for once and Gojyo was-

The door flew open in a spray of water and a gust of cold wind. Hakkai turned in surprise away from the book he had been holding with a small gasp. Who the hell would open the door like that? Was someone breaking in? What if-

It was Gojyo. He was standing in the doorway, hands braced against the doorframe and the rain plastering his crimson hair to his face. He was glaring down at the floor as though it was everything that was wrong in the world and his expression was unreadable.

"Gojyo?" Hakkai said quickly, standing up and hurrying over to where his friend was standing. "What's the matter?" He reached out a gentle hand to lay on Gojyo's arm but was slapped away.

"Don't touch me." Gojyo snapped and pushed passed Hakkai into the house, leaving the door open. Hakkai shut it without thinking and followed Gojyo to where he now threw himself onto the sofa.

"Gojyo…" he said softly and saw his friend sigh. Gojyo hated it when Hakkai used _that_ voice on him. The voice that meant he was deeply upset or confused but would never say a word, at least, not explicitly. How could Gojyo's anger possibly stand up to that?

"I'm sorry, Hakkai." He replied and shut his eyes. "I…heh, I think I just wrecked your book." He pointed vaguely towards the book which now lay on the floor covered in water.

"It doesn't matter. I wasn't really reading it anyway."

Hakkai moved and perched on the end of the sofa, as though afraid that Gojyo would strike out again. It wasn't fear of violence that kept him there though, he could easily defend himself. It was the thought that Gojyo would even want to hurt hum that was terrifying.

"Why??" Gojyo frowned and then smacked a hand to his head. "Oh, the rain right? Shit. Sorry, Hakkai. I didn't mean to add to your troubles. I mean, I left you alone in the first place too. I'm a shitty friend, huh?"

Hakkai shook his head. "Not at all. I wouldn't have dreamt of trying to keep you in tonight of all nights. Why did you come back, anyway? I was expecting you to stay out or at least come back in company…I'm sure even you can get a date on Valentines night."

Gojyo smiled a little at the smirk Hakkai was now wearing. He wasn't really mocking him, it was his gentle way of saying 'oi you, spill.' Gojyo shrugged and then pulled off his soaked shirt hurriedly, cursing the cold. He settled back against the cushions and rubbed his eyes. At length he glanced over at Hakkai, who was watching him carefully.

"It's alright." Gojyo said softly. "I'm not angry anymore. I wasn't angry at you, anyway."

"Oh?"

"I was angry at myself. Though you'd already worked that out, right?"

Hakkai laughed. "Perhaps. Perhaps I know you too well, Gojyo. Do you want to tell me why you were angry at yourself?"

"Because I'm an ass." He said simply. "I went out there tonight looking for a quick fuck, if I'm completely honest. Everyone at the bar was exactly the same. I turned down plenty of offers, god knows why. If I hadn't I wouldn't be here now right?"

Hakkai shrugged and edged slightly closer to Gojyo. "Probably not. Though I _am_ a little glad you came back tonight."

Gojyo smiled a little. "Yeah. Yeah, well…as I was saying. I was just milling around, getting to know all the other lonely losers in there with me and then this couple came in. I'm telling you, they may as well have brought in a string orchestra and a flock of bluebirds they were so wrapped up in each other. Holding hands, smiling, all of that shit. They sat in the corner and ignored all the insults that were thrown at them by the idiots who won't respect something they can't get themselves. I watched 'em for a while and…I dunno, it got to me. Suddenly I was so damn _disgusted_ at myself, you know? I needed to…suddenly I just needed to see you." He looked up from where he had been fixedly staring at the floor and offered Hakkai a self-deprecatory smile. "Ridiculous, isn't it?"

Hakkai smiled back although his smile was slightly different, sad in a secretive way. "Not ridiculous at all. Love is a strong thing, even if you're not part of it, it can affect you. Watching someone in love when you're lonely is like an arrow to the heart."

"You got that right." Gojyo murmured. "Although I never said I was lonely."

"I can tell you are." Hakkai said quickly. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. Anyway, being lonely is better than…better than having been part of something as beautiful as love and then losing it all. 'It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.'" Hakkai gave a short, bitter laugh. "That's one proverb I do _not_ believe in."

Gojyo watched him silently for a moment or two and then leaned over, before draping a heavy arm around Hakkai's shoulders. He rested his head lightly against the side of his friends, the water running into his darker hair and making it glisten.

"Shit, I'm sorry again." He muttered. "I really didn't mean to drag all that up for you. I'm selfish."

"It was unavoidable tonight." Hakkai said softly. "That I would think about it. And if talking about it will help you, I'm glad to do it."

Gojyo smiled and silently thanked whatever Gods were out there who actually cared for providing him with such a wonderful companion.

"That means a lot, Hakkai, thanks." He moved away again but didn't remove his arm and was a little surprised when Hakkai leaned against him. It was the sort of childish movement he would have expected from Goku. But then again, everyone needed to be held sometimes.

"So…" Hakkai said, his tone of voice making it clear he wasn't going to acknowledge his movements. "Why did you think of me? Was it because you know I was like them once?"

Gojyo shook his head and ignored the sharp wrenching inside his chest. He supposed this was it. Now or never. The final chance. Something had been weighing on his soul all night and despite thinking about it a lot he still wasn't certain. He wished that there had been someone else to ask about all this, it didn't seem fair. But there was no one else he would even dream of opening up to. This was the way it had to be.

"No, it wasn't that. Not that I'm disregarding it," he said quickly. "Nothing like that. I just…well, I think it's pretty common knowledge that I've never been in love and…if you can, I'd like you to explain it to me. Because, I have this horrible feeling that I've gone and fallen in love with….with someone. Either that or I've gone completely mad."

Hakkai smiled softly and shut his eyes.

"Okay, Gojyo. I can try but…it's not really something that can be explained very easily. I suppose…" he sighed, looking in on some inner heaven that was unattainable in the waking world. "I suppose the easiest way to describe it _is_ like a kind of madness.Everything seems as though it's going to end okay, even if it isn't because you would never let yourself believe otherwise. It's when just hearing someone's name sends you into a daydream where there's always light and laughter. It's when you can get lost in someone's eyes only to find yourself hidden in them. And…it's when physically letting someone out of your sight makes you feel as though you will never see them again and if you _do_ never see them again, it never really stops hurting."

Hakkai started a little and his eyes flew open when Gojyo's hand tightened on his shoulder. He was staring at the floor with a kind of sorrow and to Hakkai's surprise, he laughed slightly.

"Is that what it is?" he said softly. "Fuck. _Fuck this._"

He stood up suddenly and walked across the room to slam a fist into the wall. Hakkai sprang to his feet and laid a hand on Gojyo's tense shoulder. From behind he couldn't be sure, but he suspected his friend was crying.

"Gojyo, what-"

"_Shut up!_" Gojyo yelled and wrenched himself away. Hakkai stared wide eyed as Gojyo walked back into the middle of the room and shook his head, breathing heavily. "Just stop talking. If you don't stop talking I'm going to…"

"To what?" Hakkai whispered, wrapping his arms around himself.

In the moment of silence that followed, the rain thundered down at the windows and the lights seemed to grow dim. They held one another's gaze for what seemed like an age until…

"Fuck." Gojyo murmured and then sank to his knees. "I've got no choice no have I? I'm going to have to explain myself. I want you to stop talking to me Hakkai because…well, if you don't I'm going to end up barging in on something beautiful and tearing it to pieces. Because I'm fucking _jealous _how sick is that?"

"Jealous of what? Of me?"

Gojyo shook his head. "No. Of her. For being the only person you will ever look at that way."

"What do you mean?"

It happened so suddenly that Hakkai found himself unable to breath. Gojyo leapt forward and pinned him against the wall, face only centimetres away. A thousand emotions were swimming in his crimson eyes and Hakkai found himself falling into them, unable to recognise a thing but wanting to and wanting to know why he had been the cause of all this…

Then he realised that he really was falling and that Gojyo had caught him before he hit the floor. He felt too weak to stand and realised with a jolt that it had been so long he had forgotten how powerless the feeling made him. The feeling of-

"I'm sorry, Hakkai." Gojyo was saying over and over while clutching onto him. "I'm so sorry. Forget I ever said-"

"I won't forget." Hakkai said and managed to sink to the floor without stumbling. "I need to know, Gojyo. You said you thought you were in love with someone. Are you?"

"Yes." Gojyo breathed, kneeling on the floor beside him. "I wish I wasn't."

"And…that person…" Hakkai shook his head hopelessly. "It's me isn't it?"

Gojyo went to shake his head but then sighed. "I give up. Yes, Hakkai…it's you."

"But, but I…" Hakkai's voice began to tremble and his hands were soon to follow. "I said I would never love anyone again."

"How does me loving you change that?"

"You just don't get it, do you?" Hakkai said loudly and tore himself away from Gojyo before standing up and starting towards the door. "It's always been hard but if you…if I…if we never said…I could…"

"Hakkai, what are you saying?" Gojyo stood up and started towards him.

"Don't come near me." Hakkai turned and fled out into the rain before Gojyo could even think of stopping him.

"Shit." He murmured before sinking to the floor. "What the hell did I just do?"

* * *

An hour later, and Gojyo hadn't moved. He still didn't move when the door burst open to reveal Goku and Sanzo. They shared a glance when Gojyo didn't respond.

"Gojyo." Sanzo said calmly, deciding to ignore it. "Where's Hakkai?"

"I don't know."

"Why not?"

"I'm not psychic."

"Well...we need you anyway."

"No one could need me."

"Gojyo, would you snap the hell outta it!" Goku yelled. "There's youkai in the village and we need to help Hakkai to get 'em!"

"What?" Gojyo's head finally snapped up. Goku was blushing in embarrassment as Sanzo glared at him. "You _know_ where Hakkai is?"

"Yes." Sanzo said. "We wanted to know if you did. Regardless of that, he needs out help. Something's wrong with him."

"What? What's happened?"

"You better come and see." Sanzo said simply. "I think you're the only one that can help him now."

"Is he hurt? What have the bastards done to him?"

"What have _they_ done to _him_?" Goku shook his head. "Wrong question."

"He's cutting them down as if they were paper dolls." Sanzo said quietly. "And I mean _cutting_ No chi. If we don't stop him soon, I'm worried that…"

Gojyo swallowed and ran out of the door before the other two. Sanzo didn't need to finish his sentence.

He was worried that Hakkai would start on the townspeople.

_Are you even Hakkai anymore? _Gojyo asked himself silently. _Did I do this to you?_

He ran into the night and tried not to think. He couldn't think that it would end badly. It had to turn out right didn't it? If Hakkai got hurt….or if he lost himself again…how could Gojyo ever live with himself?

* * *

**Okay, I am aware that's a shitty chapter ending. I didn't know where to end it. At least this way you can see it's not going to all be smooshy talking. Some violence and action will ensue in the next chapter, I promise. This is enough for now. Please let me know what you think or what you want to see happen…I'm still open to ideas.**

**Virtual cookies to anyone who actually reviews **


	2. Have you seen what I've made

**Hello again, thanks to the people that reviewed and alerted and whatnot, it means an awful lot. So here's the second chappy and its as long as the last one. The final instalment will be here soon. Saiyuki and it's characters are not mine, sadly. The chapter title is from the same song as before.**

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Two: Have you seen what I've made beneath the wreckage?

One. A cry of surprise ending in a wet gurgle.

Two. A snap and a crunch.

Three. A sick squelching sound followed by the splash of thick liquid.

Pause. Brush the hair out of the eyes. Step back. Take a breath.

Raise the arm, bring it down…

Four. A cry as a body is cleaved in two and lands on the blood soaked floor, nothing more than a hunk of meat.

Hakkai just watched it, waiting for the next move. At this moment, killing was a lot like a dance. It didn't need thought or planning but just moved along as though to a silent beat of a drum or to the steady pounding in his chest.

He wondered if it was healthy, treating anger like this. Bottling it up inside and letting the muscles take the pain, letting them lash out at whatever needed fixing instead of letting it take root in the heart and mind where it would only lash out within and cause wreck and ruin. If it hadn't been caused already.

Turning vacant eyes to the left, Hakkai could see the townspeople watching him with horrified fascination. He rolled his eyes to the right and saw the rest of the assembled youkai. With ten of them already down, they were starting to be more hesitant. The slender man with the simple knife was more deadly than he appeared, that was clear. They didn't know how deadly he was; not even Hakkai knew that.

He absently wiped the knife blade on his trousers, staining them red. He was pretty much covered in blood and none of it was his own, except a small trickle where he had bitten his lip too hard while running from Gojyo…that had been before Sanzo told him about the youkai. He vaguely wondered where the others were. Not that it mattered. He had it covered.

His hands were covered in blood. The rain which seemed never ending wasn't enough to wash it away. Evil blood this time, that was okay. Not even evil blood could wash away…her blood. And to think, he'd been contemplating touching Gojyo with those soiled hands…not that it had mattered then. Now it mattered only too much.

A youkai darted forward and Hakkai swung at it blindly, catching it in mid chest. As it fell to the ground he sighed. Good timing, really. It had stopped him from dwelling on the pain for too long.

Hakkai continued to wait for the next one, and one word was blazed across his vision in scarlet. The word was _betrayal.

* * *

_

"Jesus…" Gojyo murmured and took a step forward. "This is insane."

He and his companions stood at the edge of the group of townspeople and had joined them in watching what had turned into a slaughter. One by one, the youkai would fling themselves at Hakkai only to be cut down with a disinterest that was almost offensive. If they had turned and run, Gojyo doubted whether Hakkai would have followed them but they obviously hadn't realised this.

Gojyo winced as one leapt forward only to have his head sliced clean off in a round sweep.

"He isn't smiling," Goku said quietly. "I know this is weird but he's less scary when he's smiling."

"Most people would say the opposite," Sanzo said blankly. "But I'm inclined to agree with you."

Hakkai was standing and staring blankly at the newest body lying at his feet and so didn't see the small, thin youkai creeping up behind him. It raised its claws without a moments wait. Gojyo couldn't stop himself from taking a leap forward.

"Hakkai! Watch it!" Hakkai turned his sad eyes upon Gojyo and just stared at him blankly, ignoring the words if he could even hear them. Gojyo winced as he saw the youkai claws sink into Hakkai's back, before dragging down it in deep red furrows. The worst part of it all was that Hakkai didn't cry out or even wince. He didn't appear to notice at all.

He lazily swung the blade around behind him, cutting his attackers legs in two. As it began to crawl away, he paid it no heed whatsoever but there was more life in his eyes than before. He didn't even turn as the remaining youkai turned and fled. His gaze locked on Gojyo and he tilted his head to the side a little, as though not believing what he was seeing. His lips moved but no sound came from them.

"Gojyo?" Sanzo said softly, something the kappa hadn't believed was possible. "You know why he's being like this, don't you?"

Gojyo opened and closed his mouth a few times. "I…maybe. I can see why he'd be upset…well, I can't but I can _begin_ to see….but this? This is just insane."

"You're more likely to understand than we are."

"What are you saying?" Gojyo said slowly, eyes still locked on Hakkai who was now swaying slightly. "You want me to go over there?"

"Yes."

"But what if he-"

"He won't."

"You don't know that!"

"Does it really matter?" Sanzo retorted, finally getting angry. "He would do it for you, wouldn't he? What kind of a friend are you? Now get your ass over there _now!_"

Gojyo bit his lip to keep from yelling back; Sanzo was right, but it didn't mean he had to admit it.

"I'm going," he said. "But I'm going for Hakkai, not because you told me to."

He started walking slowly forwards before the priest could reply. He was all too aware of the gazes of the townspeople on him, watching his every move. What was he going to do when he reached Hakkai? What could he possibly say? _Hey, Hakkai. Nice pile of corpses you got there. Want to forget everything I said? I'll still love you and I'll still want you, hell that's why I'm here now, but if you'll just stop killing people and go back to being yourself, we can put the whole thing behind us…_

"Shit," he murmured. He was now only a metre away from his friend who raised a hand as if in greeting, except this hand was holding a knife. Gojyo didn't have time to even think of ducking out of the way before the blade was whistling down towards him and in the brief moment that he had to think anything, he thought _this is ridiculous. How fucking ridiculous is this? Life isn't a movie. I shouldn't die like this._

There was a yelling in his ears and it was coming from him. Over the yelling he heard a sudden hiss of pain and a crack.

"No."

Hakkai's voice was soft and shaking but it was _Hakkai _that was speaking, not some emotionless killing machine.

"Not him," he continued. Gojyo opened his eyes and glanced up, not able to stifle his gasp of surprise. The knife was halfway towards Gojyo's face but in its way was Hakkai's other arm. The blade had bit down through the flesh until it hit bone and warm blood was trickling out of the gash and onto the already sodden dirt.

There was a metallic tinkle as the knife hit the ground and then a loud thud as Hakkai followed it. Gojyo stood still, stunned by the suddenness of it all. What the hell was going on? Time flowed back and he crouched down beside Hakkai, ignoring the cries of townspeople. His friend was pale and seemed to be out cold.

Gojyo gathered him up in his arms – which was harder than he had expected – and carried him over to where Goku and Sanzo were still waiting. He suddenly realised that he was still shirtless from before and his skin was cold and slick from the rain. Now, it felt warm but that was only because blood was seeping out of Hakkai and onto his skin. He shuddered.

"We have to get him out of the rain," he said simply, as though this explained everything. "Shall I take him back to the house?"

"Sure." Sanzo said calmly, turning slightly to face the wall of villagers that were now facing them, all of them frightened or angry. "Goku, go with him. I'll deal with these people."

Goku looked affronted. "What? But I want to stay and help-"

"Go and help Gojyo!" Sanzo raised an eyebrow. "Or do you _want_ Hakkai to die?"

Without another word, Goku ran in front of Gojyo and began pelting back to the house, yelling at him to hurry. Gojyo glanced at Sanzo before leaving.

"Hey….he's not gonna die, right?"

"No." Sanzo shrugged. "Hakkai wouldn't die from these wounds. He's far more likely to die from something…never mind that. Just get him inside."

Gojyo nodded and began running after Goku, hearing the angry cries of villagers echoing behind him.

"_Why help that monster?"_

"_Is your red haired friend alright? That crazy one tried to-"_

"_How can you be in company with someone like-"_

"_What if you hadn't-"_

"_How could he-"_

Gojyo ran faster and ignored them all. It didn't matter what they thought. What mattered right now was the man in his arms. He ran after Goku who was shouting something pointless up ahead and holding the door open for him.

The rain continued to pound down and wash the blood away.

* * *

Hakkai hurt. It was that simple. Everything, inside and out _hurt_.

The claw marks on his back were painful, as was the gash in his arm. The rest of his skin prickled from how cold it had been but was starting to feel better. His head ached from suppressed anger and his heart…his heart ached too.

He had awoken lying in a bed under clean, white sheets which were slowly turning red because no one had bandaged his wounds yet. He didn't mind this, not really. At least being here meant that someone had cared enough not to leave him out in the rain, and that person had been…

"Gojyo," he whispered, eyes half lidded. He was shocked when it became clear he was alone and cursed himself for not looking around the room first.

"Hakkai? You're awake?"

Hakkai lie perfectly still and shut his eyes; he wasn't ready to talk to Gojyo about this, not yet. Not until he had a better idea of how Gojyo was feeling about his…actions. Better to feign sleep and let the voices wash over him.

"I don't think he is, Gojyo." Goku said loudly. It sounded as though he was sitting in the corner. "If he was awake, he'd be sitting up or something."

"But I could have sworn he….said…ah forget it."

The room lapsed back into silence and Hakkai into his thoughts. He tried to work out how long he had been here for, how long he had bee unconscious. His hair still felt wet against his face so he deuced he had been out for no longer than ten minutes or so.

"Are you alright, Gojyo?" Goku asked in an uncharacteristically quiet tone. Hakkai could almost picture them; Gojyo standing nervously in a corner while Goku sat on a chair in another, arms wrapped around his knees.

The vision was almost enough to make him 'wake up'. Almost.

"Uh…not really. Why do you ask, monkey? Worried about me?"

There was a noise that signified Goku jumping up angrily. "I _was_ asking because you hadn't called me a _monkey_ for so long, but now I take it all back! Who would be worried about _you, _you-"

"You're worried about Sanzo, right?" Gojyo's voice was soft. There was a short silence and then a little sigh.

"Shut up."

Hakkai smiled to himself and felt guilty. They were all in this because of him, weren't they? It was no good blaming Gojyo, Gojyo hadn't been the one to lose control and anyway, it was Hakkai who had first fallen-

The door crashed open and caused Hakkai to jump. He heard angry footsteps into the room.

"How's he doing?" Sanzo's voice was brisk and angry…not that _that_ was unusual.

"Same as before," Gojyo answered. "If he doesn't wake up soon, we'll have to dress his wounds while he sleeps."

"Right." There was a sound a lot like Sanzo laughing to himself and then, "Goku and I have to leave."

"_What?_ But we only just got here! What about-"

"Why?" Gojyo asked calmly, cutting Goku off.

"The people are angry," Sanzo said simply. "Despite the fact that Hakkai saved them all and their shitty little town, they think he's going to wake up and attack them all. The only way they won't throw us out of the town tonight is if Goku and I stay in a different building and neither of you two leave here."

"Why are they letting me stay?" Gojyo's voice was now laced with suspicion.

"I told them you had passed out from shock."

"You little-"

"It was the only way, Gojyo so get over it. They also think that Hakkai is chained down somewhere so only have one light on at a time if you get up. Got it?"

"Sure."

"And Gojyo?"

"What?"

"Once we've gone, talk to Hakkai and sort all of this out. I don't want to know hats going on but I don't want anything like this happening again. So right after we leave, got me?"

"He's asleep," Gojyo said angrily. "I'm not gonna wake him up just to upset him again."

"He's not asleep, Gojyo." Sanzo said calmly and Hakkai bit his lip. _Damn._

"Oh really? He looks asleep to me."

"Sleeping people are normally relaxed and unless he's a corpse and rigor mortis has set in…he's awake. Isn't that right, Hakkai? How are you feeling?"

Hakkai turned towards the wall, away from his companions. "Under the circumstances, I'm alright thank you Sanzo."

"Hakkai!" Goku yelled happily. "You're alive!"

"Yes. It might not be a good thing but I am. Sorry to have worried you, Goku."

"What does he mean, 'might not have-"

"We're leaving, Goku. _Now_."

Hakkai stayed facing the wall as he listened to Goku being dragged from the room and the door shutting behind him. The front door then shut too. Hakkai didn't move and Gojyo didn't speak but he was all too aware of his breathing. A full minute must have passed before anything was said.

"Hey, Hakkai," Gojyo said quietly. "Turn and face me, will you?"

"I don't know if I can." Hakkai whispered.

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**Please leave me a note telling me what you thought? Even bad comments are appreciated **


	3. I'll whisper you this truth

**Sorry for the lateness…I've had block. But here is zee final part! This makes me feel warm and fuzzy when I read it. Love to everyone who reviewed and whoever placed this on the c2 thingamy, which I don't really understand yet. Chappy title from Blaqk Audio again.**

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Three: I'll whisper you this truth, uncompromised

"Oh, come on." Gojyo said gently. "I know my face ain't pretty but it can't scare you _that_ badly."

Hakkai shut his eyes momentarily and then rolled over, his expression blank. If Gojyo had said anything else, he probably wouldn't have turned to face him. If he had begged for forgiveness, gotten angry or broken down into tears Hakkai would not have moved. But a joke? Gojyo knew how to get him, every time.

The kappa's eyes registered surprise at the fact that Hakkai had actually turned to face him and then smiled nervously. He flicked a strand of hair out his face absently and waited for Hakkai to say something. After a long, awkward moment, he smiled back.

"Well, you know _that's_ a lie." He said quietly. Gojyo raised an eyebrow and adopted a frown which showed his confusion about the conversation taking an accusative tone. Although, he should have been expecting it, really, after what he'd done…

"What is?"

"What you just said." Hakkai suddenly smiled widely if a little hesitantly. "About your face. It's quite handsome if you'll allow me to say so and you _do_ know it."

There was a moment of tense silence where the conversation could have gone either way but then Gojyo smirked.

"Well, you caught me out there." His voice suddenly became softer, unsure and Hakkai almost flinched, expecting some insult or another confession that he didn't know how to deal with. Instead, Gojyo said, "But does it? Scare you, I mean."

There was something in Gojyo's eyes that was a lot like fear. Hakkai sat up on impulse and leaned across to where Gojyo had crouched down by the side of the bed. He reached out a hand and placed it gently against the redhead's cheek so that the eyes turned upwards to look at him again. Staring into those eyes, Hakkai found all range of emotions; surprise, relief, nervousness and…yes, a small hint of happiness that such a rarely occurring touch gave him. Hakkai was shocked to find something else. As he stared deep into Gojyo's eyes, he found the same feelings running through him. It wasn't just the fact that Hakkai could see himself reflected in the crimson of Gojyo's eyes; he could feel himself there too. And it was terrifying.

Hakkai smiled ruefully. "Does it scare me? No. Not as much as the person that greets me when I look in the mirror."

Gojyo raised a hand to the elegant one laid against his cheek and clasped it, bringing it down to rest on the side of the bed.

"Well." Gojyo squeezed Hakkai's hand gently and then let go when it became clear they were both trembling. "That may or may not be true. Whatever the case, it's not going to help us clean you up. Come on."

He stood up quickly and held out a hand, which Hakkai took, a little confused. He rose to his feet to find his legs didn't hurt as much as he had thought but still in excruciating agony; the once clean sheet had been dried into the wounds on his back by the blood.

"Christ." Gojyo murmured, gently pushing Hakkai back into a sitting position on the bed. "Here; stay still."

Hakkai did as he was told, letting Gojyo scoot him backwards on the bed until one leg was curled up under him and one was hanging off the side of the bed, with him facing the headboard. Gojyo sat down in front of him and instructed Hakkai to hold his arms up. Once this was done, Gojyo reached around Hakkai's chest to reach his back. He began to pull the material out of the wound as gently as possible but it still felt awful to Hakkai who found himself holding onto Gojyo's neck and shoulders as though it would help.

One final tug and the material came loose, letting fresh blood spill in warm rivulets onto the already soiled sheets.

"There ya go." He said quietly but couldn't move due to Hakkai not letting go. "What's wrong? Did I make it worse?"

Hakkai took a deep breath, not really knowing what to say. Gojyo started to feel intensely nervous that he would run off again, something he didn't think he would be able to handle. Eventually, Hakkai spoke and his tone was one of curiosity.

"Why didn't you sit behind me to pull the sheets off? It would have made more sense."

"I…"

"Gojyo, are you blushing?" Hakkai sounded on the verge of laughter.

"No! I…well…maybe a little. But it's not 'cause I'm bashful or anything! It's because…I don't really like the sight of blood…_your_ blood in particular. It seems so much more vital than anyone else's."

In the silence that followed that statement, Gojyo didn't know whether he had said the right thing or not; Hakkai's head was on his shoulder so he had no way of knowing. If he had been able to see the small smile playing around Hakkai's lips, he would have realised it had been the right thing to say.

"Well then…" he said at last, trying to stand up again but stopping when Hakkai's grip on his back tightened. Gojyo could feel the warmth of his skin through the thin material of his own shirt and was trying as hard as possible to ignore it. "Look, I know Sanzo said to talk but we need to clean those wounds or-"

"In a minute." Hakkai said softly. "I just…could you just hold me for a while? It's been so long since someone's done that for me."

Gojyo sighed and stopped fighting, eventually tightening his own grip on the pale skin before him. He shut his eyes and let his head rest against Hakkai's, savouring this moment. He let himself believe that they were holding each other like this because of shared sentiment, not because Hakkai had lost control because of Gojyo's rash actions. Each could feel the others heartbeat against his own chest. They weren't beating in time or anything so cliché but it was clear to both that the speed of the pulse was not normal. For the first time, Gojyo started to wonder why Hakkai had run off; was it really because he was angry? Or was it…

Damn. It looked like they were going to have to talk about it now after all.

"Gojyo?"

"Hmm?" Gojyo tried not to speak as he found himself almost crying.

"Don't cry, Gojyo."

"How did you know?" Gojyo was shocked. "I never cry. You've never seen me cry. So how did you-"

"I can just tell. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ran away from you. I was focussing too much on myself and not thinking about how it would hurt you."

"Hey, it's alright. I mean…you were angry enough to kill all those youkai with a damn _knife_, it's clear you had other things on your mind."

"Strange isn't it? How love seems to make me a murderer." His voice was too casual.

Gojyo was silent for a moment, thinking of Kanan as he knew Hakkai was…but then…wait…did he mean now?

"What do you…what are you trying to say, Hakkai?"

"What do you think I'm trying to say?" Hakkai pulled away from Gojyo just enough to look him in the eyes. "I think I put it rather more eloquently than you did. I love you Gojyo."

So, it was true. The look in Hakkai's eyes told Gojyo that, at least. He almost smiled but found himself unable; some emotions transcend such a simple gesture as smiling.

"Then why did you run away from me?"

"I felt like a traitor. I didn't care whether I lived or died as long as I didn't betray anyone anymore." Gojyo hated the way he could say such things so casually; it made it even more heartbreaking. "I guess I've always loved you, Gojyo but at first I wouldn't let myself see it. Not so soon after she died. I wasn't even able to see it. As I finally realised what was going on…I felt like I was betraying her. I said I would never love again and I thought I meant it; the thought of touching someone with hands as dirty as these made me sick. But as time went on, that's all I wanted to do. I wanted to show you how I felt but…well, you didn't feel the same so in doing so I'd be betraying your trust. I kept it hidden an as long as I thought I was doing the right thing, it was fine."

Gojyo held up a finger to stop the flow of words. "I…you don't have to explain all this to me."

"I want to. I owe you that at least."

"Okay…so why did you run away earlier when you found out?"

"I still felt like I was betraying Kanan. Which is stupid, I guess. She was so kind, she would never want me to deny my own feelings. I wanted to tell you, I really did and not telling you meant I was betraying you…betraying myself too. I just…didn't know what to do. So when I saw the youkai…things just took their own course. So Gojyo, _I'm_ the one who's sorry."

Gojyo did smile, then. Hakkai had dropped his gaze to the floor beside the bed and there was something wrong with that.

"Hey. Hakkai. Look at me, will ya?"

Hakkai turned his eyes upwards. In the dim light from the lamp, their colour seemed deeper than usual and harder to read. Gojyo reached out and cupped Hakkai's chin with his hand. He tilted his head to the side.

"Never apologise. _Never._ Even if you have to kill me one day, I don't want you to apologise. The only time I will ever want an apology is if you hurt yourself in some way. I'll kill anyone who hurts you and don't think you're excepted from that."

Hakkai laughed a little. "That's such a Gojyo thing to say."

"I'm not good at sentimental stuff. Which is why I messed this up so bad."

Hakkai smirked. "Makes me wonder how you got so many girls."

"Ah well…they didn't mean anything. Ever. It would be like writing a love poem for a cushion. They were just something to cuddle when I was lonely."

"And what about me, hm?" Hakkai asked but his voice made it clear he wasn't being serious.

"Well…I don't need an excuse to cuddle you."

They both smiled and suddenly seemed to realise how close together they were. The light mood which had been in place was swiftly replaced by one of nervousness. Gojyo inched forward until his lips were almost ghosting Hakkai's, who seemed to be shaking.

"Gojyo…" he murmured. "Should we be doing this? It's not like we talked it over properly-"

"I've never needed to talk things over before." Gojyo replied, matching Hakkai's tone. "Besides, actions speak louder than words. Especially _my_ actions."

Hakai smiled but the tone hadn't changed. Gojyo hesitated, drew back a little and then sighed in frustration.

"To hell with it." He muttered and closed the distance without warning. At first the kiss was less of a kiss than a collision but as soon as they came into contact, the world seemed to soften. It wasn't as though it was a first kiss for either of them but it was different somehow. To Gojyo, it was as though bolts of electric were shooting out from Hakkai's lips and straight into his heart. It froze him into place. For Hakkai, it was like a marvellous homecoming but only to find out that the home in question had been redecorated, making it comfortable and yet exciting all at once. It surprised them both that Hakkai was the one to deepen the kiss, his lips moving with a kind of desperation. There was no question in his mind now; of course they should be doing this. They should have done this long ago.

The kiss began to become more passionate, more hungry and as their lips parted further, Gojyo felt himself becoming light headed. Hakkai tasted like a star studded night sky looked, not that _that_ made any sense but that's the only way he could later describe it to himself. It became unbelievable that they had been denying this for so long.

One of Hakkai's slender hands crept up Gojyo's back and twined in his hair, the other hand pressed up against his chest. Gojyo found himself doing much the same thing, brushing back the soft strands of dark hair that always seemed to cover one eye. The room seemed hot suddenly, the air stifling. Without warning, Gojyo pulled away.. breathing heavily.

"Sorry, 'Kai." He said shakily and was pleased to see Hakkai didn't look angry. "I…I never thought I would say this but if we don't slow down I'll probably lose my mind."

Hakkai nodded and stroked a strand of red hair gently. "Beautiful." He murmured.

"What?"

"You." Hakkai smiled again and hen shook his head. "You seem to have robbed me of the power of speech. Actions _do_ speak louder than words after all."

"What now?" Gojyo said, his voice sounding a little lost.

"We still need to sort out this." Hakkai said, pointing at his back. "My arm too."

"I didn't mean that."

"I know." Hakkai sighed. "Well, we're not children and we can keep a secret. If we can trust Sanzo and Goku to share a room without chaos ensuing then we'll be fine. And I don't think it'll matter if they _do_ find out. Goku would pretend not to understand and Sanzo would pretend it wasn't happening."

"Heh, yeah. Okay. But…what now?"

Hakkai laughed. "You mean, what do _we_ do now?"

"Yeah."

"We'll do what you said. Let things take their own course. There's no use planning something like this. We'll be alright, Gojyo, trust me. See, I'm not even adding an 'I think' to the end of that."

Gojy laughed and kissed Hakkai's forehead gently. "Okay. Thanks. So…clean up time. I get to put you in a nice, warm bathtub. My lucky day, eh?"

Hakkai laughed. "It would seem that way. Oh…" he glanced up at the clock hanging on the wall. "It's a minute to midnight. We still have time."

"What? Time?" Gojyo looked confused. "I don't-"

Hakkai placed a finger to his lips and then kissed them softly. "Happy Valentines. Gojyo."

Gojyo grinned. "You big softy."

"I know. And you love it."

"Yeah." Gojyo stood up and offered his hand to Hakkai, who took it. "Yeah, I do."

* * *

**Weird ending, I know. I didn't want to write a sex scene, it didn't fit the way I had written them, OOC or no. Hope you enjoyed angels. Please drop me a line**


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